We have all heard that the only way to find our soulmate… is to stop looking for them.
While I agree with that statement, I believe it falls short of a full explanation. It also carries a slightly defeated undertone. How is someone who desperately wants to experience a deep connection with another supposed to just ‘stop’ thinking about it?? If I told you not to think about penguins, what are you most likely to think about?
To tell people to stop looking for their soulmate suggests that our only option is to sit back and wait. While it is certainly true that we must surrender to the flow and timing of The Universe, I propose a more detailed explanation.
In order to find your soulmate, you must BECOME your soulmate.
You must become everything that you want in a life partner.
Firstly, it puts you in an active role to create the circumstances you want. If you are working on transforming yourself to become more like the person you want to attract, that is incredibly empowering in itself.
Secondly, because the more you work on creating positive change within yourself, the happier you will become, and the less you will feel the ‘need’ for that soulmate. You will move from a place of desperation and loneliness to a place of relaxed contentedness. And when you are operating from a patient and happy frame of mind, desired energies will be drawn to you: aka, your soulmates.
When I say soulmates, I don’t mean romantic partners exclusively. You will have soulmates in your life who are friends, as well as teachers and students. A soulmate is a spirit destined to come into your life for the purpose of lighting a fire within you. They share deep, meaningful experiences with you, and aid in your growth and expansion. However, when most people speak in terms of soulmates, they mean romantic partners. So that is our focus today.
To attract your soulmate, the first thing you need to do is make a list of qualities you want in a partner.
Do not focus on superficial or physical qualities, but rather a list of values and personality traits. For example, do not write “Tall, dark, and handsome.” When you focus solely on physical attributes of a person, you cut yourself off from those who may not possess those traits, but with whom you may actually share a deeper connection.
It’s like saying, “I only like vanilla ice cream.” If that is what you tell yourself over and over again, that is what you will believe. You will only ever eat vanilla ice cream. While it may be enjoyable, you will miss out on other flavours you could end up liking even more.
If you spot a pattern of physical traits with your previous partners, honestly assess why that was. Did you tell yourself you “prefer blondes”, or “are only attracted to tall, muscular men?” If you were perpetuating these beliefs, it is time to stop if you are truly ready to attract your soulmate. Because, more often than not, your soulmate will look nothing like how you pictured them anyway…
To give you an idea of how to write your “Soulmate Attribute List,” I will share my own that I created before I met Brandon:
(I wrote it and still have it in the notes section of my phone)
My Partner Will…
- Be happy just as he is, and will want to be with me, but not need to.
- Be honest, genuine, and sincere with himself, me, and everyone else.
- Have a kind, open heart.
- Be fiercely loyal and dependable.
- Be incredibly respectful of all life.
- Be committed to self-love and personal growth.
- Want children as much as I do.
- Take care of his body, mind, and soul.
- Be silly and love to play.
- Be affectionate in public and in private.
- Love to teach me things and learn from me.
- Love exploring.
- Be very generous with his time, money, and energy.
- Be in tune with his emotions.
- Connect deeply with me in the bedroom.
- Love physical labour.
- Create in some way.
- Want to build a strong home foundation.
- Be open to ideas that challenge his beliefs.
- Love looking at the stars with me.
- Not judge others.
- Share the chores around the house.
- Enjoy his career or be working toward one he does.
- Enjoy hanging with like-minded friends
- Drink casually, if at all
- Only do psychedelic drugs, if any
- Love to dance
- Accept and love me just as I am, with all my flaws and quirks.
That’s around 30 traits, but the list actually contained upwards of 60. You have to be specific! And that’s where the fun comes in. You can literally draw up your “dream man” or woman by creating this list of traits.
The second, most vital step, is to go through each trait, and honestly assess whether or not you align with it.
If you do, put a smiley face beside it, give yourself a little hug, and move onto the next! If you do not, circle or highlight that trait, and write it on a second, “Self-Transformation List”. These are the things you need to do and become before you can attract your ideal partner. Remember, we must always first become that which we seek. The Law of Attraction does the rest.
A few things on my “Self-Transformation List” were:
- Not judge others. – Mainly, I judged myself for things I had said or done in the past.
- Be open to ideas that challenge my beliefs. – Although I tried to be as open-minded as possible, there were times when my stubbornness probably came across to some as a ‘black and white mentality’.
- Share the chores around the house. – I had a poor habit of taking on every task out of my desire to be productive. It led me to resent my partner and boss when I couldn’t keep up because I was exhausted, or didn’t want to because I realized it was not my responsibility.
- Drink casually. – There were a few times when I drank more in social settings because I was not truly happy with my life or the company I kept.
- Love to dance. – I have always loved to dance, but I had stopped going to shows and festivals, no longer researched new music, and hardly danced at home.
- Enjoy my career or be working toward one that I do. – I was a nanny for 10 years, and it was the most rewarding experience of my life. My love and adoration for children never ceased, but I reached a point where I wanted a career that allowed me to stay at home to raise my own future babies.
- Accept and love me just as I am, with all my flaws and quirks. – I still carried guilt over decisions I had made in the past, and was slightly self-conscious about my breasts (the rapid, drastic weight loss I experienced during my eating disorders caused them to ‘deflate’).
I instinctively knew that The Universe was not going to bring anyone into my life who embodied all of those traits until I embodied them myself.
So I got to work.
My main goal after I hit the ‘reset’ button on life (left a 5-year relationship, sold my house, and quit my job), was to experience true happiness. That made it easy for me to get back to doing things that brought me joy.
I started researching new music, simply for how good it felt to create new memories and dance to new beats. Every time I cooked, I put on a new playlist. I went to a music festival and danced myself into the absolute ground.
I started hanging out with open-minded, conscious friends, which decreased my desire to drink. Instead, we found ourselves hiking mountains, camping, sharing delicious food, and having inspiring conversations.
I spent more time naked. I wrapped myself in hugs and covered myself in kisses. I told my body how sorry I was for the pain I had caused it, and for the awful untruths I had told it. I told my breasts how sorry I was for belittling their existence. I told them it did not matter how they looked or what direction they went in. I was simply so honoured to have them for the fact that they will nourish my beautiful children one day.
I did things solely for the purpose of bringing me back into alignment with my true self. Though I checked in from time to time with my “Soulmate Attribute List,” I checked in much more frequently with my mental “Self-Transformation List.” If you are serious about finding your soulmate, I recommend you do the same.
It was about eight months after creating those lists that I met Brandon.
I didn’t have everything figured out, but my energy surrounding the question marks was one of optimism and eagerness. I was so happy and content with the life I was building, and so excited for all the things I knew were on their way.
I was driving home from town one day, when all of a sudden I was filled with a strong guiding message. It was my Intuition telling me that I needed to sign up for Tinder (a dating app) right when I got home. I had previously been a little close-minded to Tinder, but two of my good friends had found wonderful partners on it. So, I listened to my Inner Guidance, and made a profile as soon as I got home.
After clicking ‘Done’, the third profile to appear on my screen was Brandon’s. I thought, “Waaait a second. This seems too easy. He is SO cute, and we seem to have a lot in common…?” I swiped yes, and “It’s a match!” appeared across my screen. My profile had been live for about 32 seconds.
I messaged him, we met a week later, talked for three and a half hours over dinner, and the rest is history.
I love telling that story to remind people of the ways in which The Universe works. Had I not opened my mind to the idea of meeting someone on Tinder, or listened to my Intuition when it gave me directions, Brandon and I would not have met. Buuut that is also impossible, because there could have been no other way. It was destined.
There are no words to describe the love that Brandon and I share.
He is the most open, honest, loving, and helpful human I have ever met. He teaches me to slow down and relax, and he inspires me to always do better. Our respect and admiration for each other grows stronger with each shared experience, and we allow each other and ourselves the freedom to be exactly who we are.
No one is perfect, and we have the rare tiny hiccup, but they end bringing us closer together because of our desire to truly understand one another. I know that part of our purpose in this lifetime is to show the world what is possible when it comes to love. We want to inspire others to never settle – in love or in life. Love changes the world, and this man has completely changed mine.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Brandon embodies every single trait on my list. He also possesses so many more amazing qualities I could have never even fathomed.
So kids, go make those lists!!
Get specific, and enjoy the fun that lies in creating your ‘ideal mate’. Feel how good it feels to envision yourself with that person. Then, get to work on your “Self-Transformation List”. You will know that The Universe has something massive around the corner when you read this statement in complete agreement:
I accept and love me just as I am, with all my flaws and quirks.
We are all works in progress. That is the beauty of life – to grow and evolve and increase our capacity for love. Once that capacity grows to include love for your Being in entirety, that is when The Universe strikes. Be prepared for life-changing love. Expect it. Know that it is your Absolute Right. Know that it is who you are. Even if you are still in the process of learning to love yourself, know that The Universe never questions its love for you.
And neither do I.
My darlings, I love you.
Until next time,
All my love,
Always and forever,
In case you missed my last Law of Attraction post, you can find it here!
As with all posts, I make no claim to be qualified as a mental health professional. I cannot guarantee the outcome of following the recommendations provided and my statements about the potential outcome are expressions of opinion only. Please refer to our Disclaimer for full details.